The Boyfriend and I spent this past Easter weekend in Washington, D.C. for his best friend’s wedding. I hadn’t visited D.C. since 2001 and was pleased to find it as majestic and spotless as I remembered. We spent most of our time in the Dupont Circle neighborhood, and over the weekend I made up my mind that D.C. is pretty much superior to San Francisco in every respect that matters. Here are my reasons for why D.C. is awesome and dominates the world while San Francisco is a shithole dominated by everything wrong in the world.
10 Qualities That Make Washington, D.C. Superior to San Francisco
1. There are no homeless people.
During my entire weekend in D.C., I saw, at most, a handful of homeless people, and I was accosted by only one of them. This may not sound like something to be grateful for, but for a San Francisco inhabitant who is used to fending off multitudes of bums every day, it’s a huge relief.
2. There are no weird people.
This means no hipsters, hippies, Emos, midgets, cripples, or white people who think they’re African/Indian/Rastafarian/Jesus/Moses/Muhammed. I didn’t see a single person in a wheelchair or dashiki. I also did not see any ghetto black people, FOB Asians, guidos, infirm senior citizens, or anyone who was mentally ill, appallingly poor, ugly, smelly, overweight, or otherwise deformed. All this made me very happy.
And before I get bashed for hating gays (which I actually don’t): I saw many gay couples holding hands on the street without harassment or attention. Nobody cares. San Francisco needs to get over itself and recognize that while it may be the historical gay mecca of the US, it certainly isn’t the only place where dudes can make out in public.
3. Everybody is well-dressed.
I like the way people dress in D.C. because looking at them doesn’t give me the urge to bathe immediately. If you’re a dude, you wear a suit and tie or at least jeans and a nice shirt, and if you’re a girl, you wear a business suit, a close-fitting dress, or jeans and a nice top. Period.
One of the things I love most about D.C. is that people are unpretentious about being pretentious and preppy. They’re clean, clean-cut, and confident about it. This, ironically, makes them less pretentious than San Franciscan hipsters who are obsessed with looking unpretentious but end up being extremely pretentious anyway.
4. Everybody is white or might as well be.
Yeah, I said it. And those who aren’t racially white might as well be in the sense that they’re respectable, hard-working immigrants who speak English and contribute to society in ways other than riots, being homeless, and hating on white people. Even the blue-collar non-whites, from the Chinese liquor store managers to the Ethiopian bellhops, were friendly, orderly, and didn’t wear their race like a unwanted tumor inflicted by the white majority.
5. The weather makes sense.
My problem with San Francisco weather is that it’s perpetually a little too shitty. Nothing terrible happens, but it’s just a little too cold, windy, or rainy all the time, and it makes me angry. April in San Francisco means 55 degrees, nonstop wind, and mocking, dazzling sunshine.
April in D.C., on the other hand, felt like spring. It was 65 degrees and rainy for one day then made up for it by being sunny and 75 degrees the rest of the weekend. It was warm without making people sweat. And because of that, the Boyfriend’s friend was able to have a good outdoor photo shoot for his wedding.
6. The streets are clean.
Immaculate, in fact. You won’t see piles of trash, feces, or homeless people paraphernalia on the streets of D.C. And you won’t smell urine or unattended garbage while taking a walk, as I do every day in San Francisco.
7. People do not inflict their dogs on others.
People in D.C. definitely own dogs, but I didn’t see a single dog pee or poop on the streets or public lawns, as they do all the time in San Francisco. I don’t know where the D.C. dogs did their business, but it wasn’t in front of me, and that was awesome.
8. The buildings are well-maintained.
D.C. is, by American standards, an old city (much older than San Francisco), and many of its structures weren’t built yesterday. Many of them aren’t even pretty. However, the city has done a superb job of maintaining its buildings. You won’t see the sagging windows, tattered paint, or filthy front steps that afflict most buildings in San Francisco. And you definitely won’t see crazy homeless people camped out in the doorways.
9. D.C. is designed to have breathing room.
For a major metropolis, D.C. feels surprisingly spacious. From the neo-classical architecture and wide sidewalks to the broad stretches of greenery, you can tell that the city was designed to look regal and expansive. I loved that the grassy public parks were not saturated with dogs and homeless people shit.
10. Food and drinks are reasonably priced.
We ate at a limited number of restaurants near Dupont Circle, but the ones we went to were a) spacious and clean with high ceilings and b) unilaterally cheaper than equivalent restaurants in San Francisco. One restaurant, Beacon Bar and Grill, sold $3 mimosas, which is something you would never find in San Francisco.