13 Problems Unique to White People

When it comes to weird psychological problems, white American people have a monopoly.  It seems that every time I go online, I find that some white person has been diagnosed with something no one else in the world has heard of.  As a sensible, Chinese-raised person, I think most of these disorders are ridiculous, over-pathologized, and largely self-generated.  Here’s a take on some white people problems from a Chinese perspective.

1. eating disorders

No Chinese person would be stupid enough to starve when there’s plenty of delicious food to go around; you just never know when the next Cultural Revolution/natural disaster/famine might happen.  The best way to cure white anorexics is to put them in rural China for six months.

2. body image issues

Chinese people dislike being ugly as much as everyone else does, but white people, with their eating disorders and plastic surgery, take self-hatred much more seriously.  No Chinese girl will sit for hours analyzing the size of her nose or the shape of her calves.  And if, for some reason, a Chinese person ends up being a little tubby, she’ll accept it as her lot in life and move on.  Fat Chinese people (including teenagers) will even joke about how fat they are and still like themselves, which is a combination most fat white people are incapable of.

3. being overweight

Currently, 75 percent of American* adults are overweight.  In China, 15 percent of adults are overweight, and this is after 10 years of what health experts consider a weight boom.  With all those eating disorders, you’d think that Americans would dominate the Chinese at the whole weight control thing.

* I understand that a good portion of overweight Americans are not white, but whites still comprise the overweight American plurality.

4. self-righteous vegetarianism/veganism/pescatarianism

In China, the concept of vegetarianism remains largely a concept.  Aside from devout Buddhists, who comprise a tiny proportion of the population and are semi-outcasts, everybody in China eats everything without question.  Rabbit brain, pig feet, cow tongue, you name it.  Nobody goes and annoys other people with their self-ordained dietary demands.

5. ADD and ADHD

In China, kids who can’t focus in class are given a hard slap upside the head.  100 percent of those kids will have no problem focusing in the future.  No medication necessary.

6. social anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and other ridiculous neurotic/psychotic conditions

Being scared, sad, or angry are generally not pathological conditions in China.  They’re just things that happen to normal people living normal lives.  Again, no medication necessary.

7. under-educated kids who think they’re smart

Maybe if white parents cared less about PTA meetings and bake sales and focused more on the homework part of school, kids would learn more math and science and know how to spell.

8. guilt

Guilt, derived from the state of being fallen and the need to redeem oneself, is the foundation on which Christianity and white American culture are built.  White people feel guilty when they think they’ve failed to do things they were supposed to, and for many of them, guilt has the ability to cause alcoholism, bulimia, and suicide.  This sort of thing happens when you have a culture based on the presumption of failure.

Chinese people, on the other hand, don’t have that burden.  Most Chinese people simply don’t feel guilt because Chinese culture provides fewer options and emphasizes duty, i.e., what people should do rather than what they have not done.  And duties, in China, are mandatory.  There simply isn’t room for failure, and when there’s no failure, there’s no guilt.

9. conflicted feelings about parenting

As Amy Chua pointed out, American parents are obsessed with nurturing their children’s self-esteem, and in the end, their kids end up having low self-esteem anyway.  Chinese parents, on the other hand, don’t give a shit about children’s feelings or even if their own children like them.  They’re not afraid to smack their kids around when they don’t get their work done.  I don’t know if Chinese kids grow up to be happier than their white counterparts, but at least they’re skinny, healthy, and know their math.

10. being a teenager

I haven’t conducted a scientific study on this, but I’m pretty sure that the white American teenage crowd is the most emotionally tortured demographic in the world.  Afflicted by aforementioned eating disorders, body images issues, and neuroses, they suffer a level of existential despair that the rest of the world can’t even imagine.

Chinese teenagers, who study all the time and don’t drink or do drugs, aren’t half as miserable.  They actually think life is ok.  Maybe all that calculus has gotten to their heads, but at least they’re eating and not cutting themselves.

11. political correctness

White people hate hurting other people’s feelings.  It looks bad and creates guilt they’re incapable of dealing with, but it doesn’t make them any less bigoted.  Chinese people, on the other hand, have no problem calling white people fat, black people illiterate, and the Japanese a bunch of short-legged, murderous bastards.

12. pedophiles

If you asked Chinese people to list the top three negative stereotypes of white Americans, they would say: fat people, serial killers, and child molestors.  In the US, 70% of convicted child molestors are white, and 65% of convicted child molestors are pedophiles (guilty of sexually abusing children age 12 or younger).  Now I don’t think sex with children should necessarily be a crime, but seriously, what is up with white dudes and the under-12 crowd?

13. mid-life and quarter-life crises

If you’re white, you’re pretty much expected to have a multi-year emotional breakdown either in your 20s or 40s.  If it happens in your 20s, it means that you’ll spend the decade after college graduation being unemployed and poor because a) you think you’re too good for any job you can get and b) you can’t get any of the jobs you want because you chose to major in sociology or media studies in college.  If it happens in your 40s, you’ll probably come out of the closet to your teenage kids, divorce your middle-aged wife for your 22-year-old secretary, or spend your life savings on a Maserati, simply because your comfortable, middle-class life is too much to handle.

About awesomebitch

Intolerant, elitist, and awesome.
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5 Responses to 13 Problems Unique to White People

  1. theophania says:

    list of suicides by countries :

    eating disorders:

    American obesity by race (hint: white doesn’t even come in second)

    Now i understand that this might have been in good humor except some of the issues you listed here are real and very serious in a lot of peoples lives. Plus, when the information is correct- it tends to be a lot more humorous. I guess thats why you don’t see Chines comedians.

  2. awesomebitch says:

    1. I see that the US is rank 39 and China is rank 66 and that the overall US suicide rate is almost twice as high as the overall Chinese suicide rate. I never said that no one in China committed suicide ever, so what’s your point?

    2. The article states that anorexia and bulimia originate from rich, Western cultures, i.e., the US and only recently infiltrated Asian and African countries. Sure, there is a tiny proportion of rich, metropolitan Chinese anorexics nowadays, but I guess you missed out on my use of hyperbole.

    3. First of all, I was talking about being overweight and not just obese, so you sent me the wrong link. All obese people are overweight, but not all overweight people are obese. (Hint: learn to read.) Second, the chart you gave me delineates overweight and obesity rates for “adults by race/ethnicity.” Sure, a smaller percentage of whites than blacks, Hispanics, and Native Americans are obese. But if you’d read point 3 in my post completely, you would perhaps have researched the percentage of Americans who are white, which, according to the US Census Bureau (http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html), is 80%. This, in conjunction with the information from your link, means that 47% of all obese Americans are white, while only 9% of all obese Americans are black and only 0.67% of all obese Americans are Native American. White Americans win by an overwhelming plurality. (Hint: learn some basic statistics.)

    4. Learn to spell/type. Learn to interpret statistics. Or ask someone else to do it. Just please stop embarrassing yourself.

    But you’re right about one thing. There aren’t a lot of Chinese comedians in the US. We’re just not funny to you people precisely because we’re dead right in ways that you don’t like. And who are you to say what “good humor” is or isn’t? I didn’t realize you were the god of humor–sorry it wasn’t obvious enough to me. Besides, the Chinese are very funny to themselves (even if they’re not funny to you) and wait, that’s about 1 billion people who like Chinese humor.

    • Jonathan van Belle says:

      Zing. Nice.

      By the way “Theophania” (a.k.a. Tiffany), if that is your REAL name, your profound concern for the “real and very serious” issues is a definite front. I call self-indulgent BULLSHIT (notice the exponential CAPS LOCK ). You don’t really care. Don’t go bleed all over the internet, You God-citing Nobody.

  3. brady says:

    I am amazed and delighted by your sound understanding of the deep, hidden neuroses of my people. Political correctness in the bane of this great land and takes all of the fun out of teasing minorities, those with speech impediments, and the elderly. Great work. I did, however, want to make one thing clear: According to a trusted source (rhymes with Jikipedia), 72.4% of Americans are white. Since only 70% of pedophiles and 65% of child molesters are white, the data show that we are actually UNDERMOLESTING our nation’s youth compared some of our grabbier ethnic groups. Come on white people, step it up a little bit.

  4. Pingback: Why Child Molestation Should Not Always Be Illegal | awesomebitch

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