I had the most disgusting lunch ever at L’s Caffe last week in the Mission. It may have been the nastiest thing I’ve ever tasted in my life, and I’m pissed that I had to pay $11 for it.
I had about two hours to kill before my Planned Parenthood appointment and decided to find a place to eat lunch and read some Tucker Max. I picked L’s Caffe based on its superb Yelp rating and proximity to the clinic. The cafe was clean, spacious, not loud, and furnished with comfy chairs–perfect for reading. I was hungry and ordered eggs benedict and a soy hot chocolate with whipped cream, both of which I love.
I got my hot chocolate right away, sat down at a table, and waited a long time for the eggs. I was finished with my hot chocolate before the eggs arrived, but that was ok, as I figured it meant that my lunch would be very fresh. When the waiter brought it over, however, I noticed something wrong immediately:
First, there was way too much Hollandaise sauce on top of the eggs. I’m used to having the sauce drizzled on the eggs, and in this case, there was so much sauce I couldn’t even see the eggs. Second, when I moved the plate, the sauce jiggled like jello. Or two lumpy breasts. That kind of grossed me out. I am no culinary expert, but Hollandaise sauce is not supposed to move like that.
Unsure of what to do with the eggs, I took a bite of potato and almost spat it out. The potatoes were very under-cooked and had almost the same consistency as tough, sinewy meat. It was like biting into the shittiest piece of steak ever. I tried another piece of potato just to be sure. Yup. Definitely under-cooked. And way too greasy.
To erase the taste of the potatoes, I took a huge bite of Hollandaise-covered egg. Big mistake. Really really big mistake. I have no words to describe the sauce other than “completely fucking disgusting.” I didn’t (and still don’t) know if it was because the sauce had gone bad, but it did not sit well with my palate at all. I’d eaten many eggs benedicts before and knew what Hollandaise sauce was supposed to taste like, and this was definitely not it. I tried to swallow what I’d bitten off, gagged, and regurgitated it into a napkin as daintily as I could. I drank lemon-flavored water to wash out the taste, gagged a little more, coughed, and since I had a slight cold, some phlegm came up out of my throat, and even that tasted better than the eggs. Yes, I was actually thankful for the flavor of my snot. That’s how nasty the food was.
I sat there for a while trying to figure out what to do. I even texted the Boyfriend for advice. He told me to send it back and tell the waiter that it was too salty or had gone bad or something, which I didn’t feel comfortable doing, because a) I wasn’t sure if it had gone bad and b) the real problem was that it was just purely fucking gross. I finally brought the plate to the counter and told the waiter pretty much that. He was nice enough to give me a bagel with bacon and cream cheese for free, which I ate gratefully.
So, if you ever find yourself at L’s Caffe in San Francisco, you know what to stay away from.