In preparation for some kind of Oscars-like awards ceremony, I buy a Costco-sized package of salami and paste the individual slices onto my body so that they form a skin-tight dress with a a sexy bodice and a long, flowing train. Each slice of salami is about eight inches in diameter, so the process doesn’t take as long as one would expect. I am impressed by my handiwork and decide to try the same thing with turkey sandwich meat, which comes in similarly sized but more ragged pieces. My friends think the light turkey pink suits me better than the more prosaic salami red does–makes me look more nubile, perhaps because it would be the color of my nipples if I were white. I look at myself in the mirror. My whole body is the color of a fresh, glowing, pearlescent nipple. Very sexy.
The next day, I am putting on my turkey dress when this 12-year-old fat blond kid appears out of nowhere and starts ragging on me. I don’t know exactly what he’s saying, but I know his intentions are bad. This kid is the son of my parents’ friends, and I hate him. I ignore him for the time being, and he goes away.
Later, at the ceremony, I’m sitting down for dinner when the kid sees me and starts ragging on me again. Violently enraged, I throw him outside and try to beat the shit out of him. But since this is a dream and I’m never able to move as quickly in dreams as I do in real life, I find myself unable to do real damage. He bleeds a little bit from the nose, but that’s it. The bodice of my dress gets a little stretched out, and I am very annoyed. All the parents are horrified at me, but I don’t care. The little fucker had it coming.