June 5, 2011 PostSecret Favorite: Ass-Wiping With Rings

PostSecret is a weekly blog featuring homemade postcards portraying people’s secrets.  The postcards are mailed anonymously, and the secrets range from cute and funny to pathetic and heartbreaking.  I stumbled across PostSecret in 2005 and became hopelessly addicted.  To commemorate my six-year anniversary of PostSecret addiction and because some secrets are too awesome, crazy, or stupid to be forgotten, I am going to pick my favorite secret from the blog each Sunday and share my thoughts on it.

This week’s favorite: Ass-Wiping With Rings

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Ass-wiping is a tricky task that most people are improperly trained in and fail at on a daily basis.  Considering how common of a problem this is, I think kids should be taught how to wipe their asses meticulously by kindergarten, along with the alphabet and finger painting.  As there seems to be no standard procedure for this, I am going to share my modus operandi for ensuring a spankin’ clean ass.

1. Fold a piece of toilet paper twice to create a wiping surface three toilet paper layers thick.  Wipe anus and peri-anal region thoroughly.  Dig into all the crevices and wrinkles of the anus.  Push anus slightly, as if you’re pooping, to open up the crevices and make them more accessible.

2. Wrap finger in a new piece of triple-layered toilet paper and insert finger at least 1/4 inch into anus.  Swivel finger around.

3. Triple layer a new piece of toilet paper and wet it slightly with warm water.  (If you have baby wipes, you can use them as a substitute.)  Using this new wiping surface, repeat steps 1 and 2.

4. Double or triple layer a new piece of toilet paper.  Dry the anus and peri-anal region.  Check all anal crevices again to verify that no remnant of shit remains.   Use a mirror, if necessary, for visual confirmation.

About awesomebitch

Intolerant, elitist, and awesome.
This entry was posted in Other People's Shit That I Think Is Cool, PostSecret and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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